Diablo II: Resurrected – Nostalgia For Profit
Image Credit: Blizzard
Diablo II: Resurrected was announced during BlizzConline (good fucking lord, that name bothers me) last weekend, and it’s taken me some time to process this. My mistrust for Activision-Blizzard and my love of Diablo 2 is hitting me in a bizarre way, kind of like when a woman is on trial because she definitely killed her boyfriend and or child, but she’s really hot…mixed feelings.
My initial feeling was utter excitement and joy—borderline boner-inducing. I was 12 when the original game was released, and my father and I pumped hours into the game and its follow-up expansions. We would buy a many-a-hacked item to decimate people in PVP and bosses, but more importantly, this is where my father taught me the most valuable lesson of my gaming life.
Only playing the Amazon, I couldn’t understand why he would only choose a female character. In my youth and stupidity, I asked him, “Hey, Dad, why do you only play girl characters? What are you gay?” His response has been burnt into my head to this fucking day, “Naw, I’d much rather stare at this girl with great tits than a half-naked guy.” He didn’t need to say any more…With that statement, he had won. My smart-ass question smacked right back into my face. Lesson learned; don’t fuck with dad, and don’t play male characters unless you want to kiss them.
Image Credit: Blizzard
Bonding aside, this game was just an all-around fun and great game. It was a casino of loot, hackers, and Baal runs. This wasn’t the first hack and slasher I had played, that being diablo with friends over a 56K modem, but it was the best one and the one I pumped the most amount of time into. The dark atmosphere was great for my rebellious goth side at the time, and the loot grind was great for a dopamine rush for my overstimulated brain. You would also have to fight motherfuckers for loot! Better be fucking quick, or that SOJ is someone else’s, bitch.
So my memories of this game are immensely fond. And this is where my problems with a remastered version of this game come. Don’t fuck with my memories. I’m terrified that I’ll go back to the game, and it won’t be what I remember it to be. A perfect example of this any movie you watched as a kid. Go back and watch them today. Guess what? They’re all piles of shit. Independence day…Dogshit. Super Mario Brothers with John Leguizamo…Dogshit. Bio-Dome…Dogshit. Any Adam Sandler or John Woo movie…Complete and utter fucking dogshit. So, because I’m now an older curmudgeon, my taste in games must have changed as well. Now that I’ve played polished and constantly evolving games like Path of Exile, what if Diablo II doesn’t hold up with the current times?
I’m also horrifically aware that Activision-Blizzard does not have my best interest in mind when doing something like this. All remasters, remakes or reboots are lazy cash grabs, so the company doesn’t have to think of anything new or innovative. But they know fat nerds will buy because of the nostalgia factor, and they’re more than happy to take your money for the same game that’s shiny and new. Why not rehash and bastardize the game till they suck every penny out of it?
Image Credit: Blizzard
Blizzard also completely dropped the ball with Warcraft 3: Reforged, which was universally panned and despised by the fan-base. And who can forget the god-awfulness of Diablo III? Fuck Jay Wilson and his Droopy Dog head for ruining that game. People have told me that they fixed most of the game’s problems, but every time I play it, I just get disappointed about what could have been. Path Of Exile is just superior in every way and a better successor to the original Diablo II. So with that in mind, what makes you think they won’t fuck up Diablo II: Resurrected? Because they said that they wouldn’t? That’s like any guy saying, “I promise this time I’m gonna pull out.” Grow the fuck up.
This all seems like a ploy to keep people interested enough in the Diablo Series so they can fill the gap between whenever the hell Diablo IV comes out. And I assume, if Diablo III was any barometer, Diablo IV will be a fucking mess at launch. Honestly, the series has wholly suffered since the cunts dissolved the talented, imaginative, and not solely profit-driven Blizzard North. Yet, they still ride their fucking coat-tails 20 some odd years later.
The problem is…They got me too; I’m all in. Raw dog. Going deep. As soon as this possible pile of shit was available, and against my better judgment, I was clicking “Pre-Purchase Now” faster than some kind of Manchurian ninja. So, I’m a fucking sell-out, yes. And I hate myself for it. I know I’m being manipulated, but I can’t help it. I need to spin to win and drop some meteors on some undead. Fuck you, Diablo II: Resurrected, and here’s my money.
