Sandler Rules, Teddy Drools

“O’doyle rules!” a line so good that I’ve taken it on as my family mantra. “Goonagucci Rules!” my family roars whenever we do something moderately praiseworthy. I wouldn’t have that without the Sandman, the OG of turning one-line premises into blockbuster movies that have the ability to make us piss ourselves laughing while also warming our hearts. Adam Sandler’s movies hold the fuck up, and I’m telling you anyone who thinks otherwise is dead wrong.

My esteemed Goons Edge cofounder recently wrote a blog about the recently announced Diablo 2 remake, and he asked me to give it the once over before he posted it to the site. Now, I have to admit, it’s well written and funny as hell. Teddy has a gift when it comes to recounting the stories that turned him from a shit-nosed kid into a cum filled man. I can’t knock his technical ability, but I felt compelled to come to Adam Sandler’s defense, who was slandered as “dogshit” in the article. Not only will I defend Sandler, but I think a broader defense of remakes is in order too.

First off, I’ll start my argument with a concession. Sandler’s comedy albums absolutely do not hold up. If you’re like me and you grew up with fond memories of Toll Booth Willie and A Medium Pace, I’m here to tell you that you shouldn’t go back and relisten to those under any circumstances. Unless you’re actually retarded, and I’m talking the supermarket pays you in skittles to bag people’s groceries retarded, you won’t find them funny at all. Those albums were made to be enjoyed by 6th-grade boys and 6th-grade boys only. Better to hold on to your fond memories than to revisit the albums and leave disappointed.

When it comes to the Sandman’s movies, however, it’s a totally different story. Billy Madison is still hilarious. Happy Gilmore still rules. 50 First Dates is still heartwarming. These movies stand the test of time, and I’d go so far as to say if you watch them and don’t derive some kind of enjoyment out of them, you probably lost your soul a long time ago. Not only do the movies still make me laugh, but they are full of timeless quotes that can still be used today. “If peeing your pants is cool, I’m Miles Davis” I dare you to watch that scene and keep a straight face.

The movies are good, and Sandler’s genius is only a small part of the equation. Sandler has always excelled at getting good actors to slum it and do movies with him. You can look to any of the classic Sandler films and see top-notch performances by the likes of Chris Farley, Steve Buscemi, and Drew Barrymore. If you go into a Sandler movie, you know you will get some appearances by stars that are 100% having a great time being there. Fuck! He even got Bob Barker to throw in an all-time cameo.

Now, with the Waterboy’s honor properly defended, let turn to remakes of games. I think game remakes are pretty good, actually, provided that the studio cares about the game and they don’t make major changes to whatever made the game good in the first place. The gold standard right now is the Demon Souls Remake for the PS5. They updated the graphics, made the game run way smoother, and fixed some of the weird control issues while leaving in all the From Software goodness. All the old cheese is still there; the weird and incomprehensible story is still there; the badass boss fights are still there and better than ever.

Image Credit: Playstation

I think Teddy’s problem with remakes comes from the fact that he doesn’t have a PS5, so he can’t play any of the really good remakes that are out. It’s not his fault he’s a scrub that still hasn’t copped a 5, but I think if he weren’t so poor and got a next-gen console, he’d understand the allure more.

Remakes nowadays are only making games better. If I had my choice, I’d rather companies come up with original shit, but the remake is something that I’ll happily accept too. Mass Effect is getting a remake later this year, and you can bet your ass I’m going to be all aboard. It’s gonna look and play great, and maybe they’ll even fix the MAKO issues that the first game had to make it a more enjoyable experience all around.

In conclusion, Teddy can suck it. Sandler fucking rules. Remakes are pretty good, and Mr. Goonington was just too scared to live his truth and come out as a trans woman, so he picked female video game avatars as a meager way to live the life he really wanted. I’m ALWAYS gonna be out here playing as a hard dicked barbarian, laughing at Sandler movies, and just generally enjoying life. I can’t wait for all the games I love to be remade, so I can play them with the dualsense and enjoy updated and kickass graphics.

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