Copping A 5

Well howdy there fellow degenerates, sit here by the digital campfire and let ol’ Santiago tell you a story. It’s got everything, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and a prize at the end like no other. This is the story of how I finally got my hands on a PS5.

It all started in late November when I noticed that I still had one credit card that I hadn’t yet maxed out. Now, some of you will be asking why I decided to drive myself further into debt, and the answer is honestly: fuck it. You can always make more money, and there’s no sense in denying yourself the shit you want. This is America. We don’t wait for shit; we spend money we don’t have for that immediate endorphin hit, and god damn it, I wanted that hit.

So with a credit card waiting to be used, I entered the frustrating world of online drops. Most of the big retailers and Sony are selling the PS5 in limited drops online, and if you want to get one, you need to compete against other drooling morons AND an army of lightning-fast bots. This means, in reality, you have a better chance of getting fucked by a randy bull than you do of getting a PS5. Fuck it though, I thought to myself, I need to at least try.

WHOOOO-BOY, did I ever try. I waited in PSDirect queues, fought the terrible UI of Best Buy’s website, saw the damning “Oh Deer” of Wal-Mart (real big dick savages will know what I mean by that last one), and endured crash after crash at Costco. I even spent 45 fucking dollars for a Sam’s Club membership because they were doing a 3am drop, and there isn’t even a fucking Sam’s Club in my state. Fuck Sam and his fucking club, by the way, because the website crashed before I could buy a system, and they wouldn’t give me the membership fee back. I hope Sam chokes on that 45 bucks. Better yet, I hope Mrs. Sam’s Club shoves it deep up his ass, and it gets stuck there, so he has to think about me every time he takes a dump.

I haven’t even mentioned the most pathetic part about this whole ordeal: Twitter. There are several accounts dedicated to posting when different retailers are going to do a drop. Some are better than others, but they all want to know if you “copped” or took an L. These accounts have tens of thousands of pathetic followers, filling their replies with whining or gloating, depending on their success. I hated these fucking accounts because I was so reliant on them, and I’m pretty sure they were probably fucking us over somehow, but I can’t quite prove it.

Well, the day finally came. After roughly 50 failed attempts to get the PS5, all of the Twitter stock accounts reported that Best Buy was going to do a massive drop. I felt in my bones that this was the one. I had tasted defeat so often that it was actually starting to depress me in a way that penetrated the wall of amphetamines and anti-depressants that are *supposed* to keep me from feeling feelings. Best Buy was finally going to be my win, my big moment, the cumulation of weeks of effort and heartbreak.

Well, folks, it wouldn’t be a good story if that’s how it ended. When the Best Buy drop finally came, the website crashed multiple times, and when it eventually did come back up, I wasn’t able to get one fast enough before they sold out completely. It was such fucking bullshit because I literally did no work at my actual job that day; I just stared at my phone like the drooling ape I really am deep down inside and waited for the minutes to pass by. I actually texted Mrs. Goonagucci that, and I quote, “I feel so defeated right now.” Which is objectively pathetic by any reasonable standard. I have a good career, two beautiful children, and a good wife. I shouldn’t be letting a PS5 affect me like this, but it really did. I wish I could go back in time and slap myself for that one.

Just when I thought all was lost, the Twittersphere lit up with the news that Wal-Mart was planning a massive drop. Wal-Mart is objectively the hardest retailer to get a console from. They have no bot protection, and the website crashes harder than John Mulhaney when the baggie is empty, and his dealer isn’t returning his calls. Still, though, I had to try.

When the Walmart drop happened, I was ready and waiting. I had my account set up, I had my card loaded, all I had to do was fight the horde of bots, and maybe I’d finally get my prize. Well, let me tell you, I missed out. They sold out almost instantly. I was ready to rage quit the whole ordeal, but then, just when all hope was about lost, Wal-Mart announced they’d be selling more consoles in 10 minutes. A SECOND FUCKING WAVE. Well, when that wave hit, my fingers were primed and ready, and I secured a fucking PS5 in 3 easy clicks. Add to Cart, Pay, Confirm, Cum. The thrill of victory was like almost nothing I’ve ever experienced. I’d put it right up there with my kids being born, my first line of good coke, or winning gold at a meaningless martial arts tournament (another fun way to waste your youth if video games weren’t enough for you!) It was incredible. I had won and won at Walmart of all fucking places. I was so happy at that moment I would’ve happily blown all of the Walton clan.

So, a long story made short, don’t give up and keep grinding. You can get a PS5 too. I promise it’ll fill the void in your life for a few months at least, and honestly, the dual sense is the best video game controller ever made. When you finally taste victory, I promise you it’ll be sweeter than your first taste of pussy, so it’s totally worth anything you have to do to get one. EXCEPT buying from scalpers. Don’t do that. Fuck scalpers and fuck you if you can’t survive the grind long enough to cop a 5. Good luck out there, bros and brodettes. GOONAGUCCI OUT.

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