High Concepts: What to Play When You’re High
As GEGs resident drug enthusiast and connoisseur, I had an idea the other day. What are the best games to play high? The important thing to consider is that you have to match the right game to the right drug. I came up with a pretty extensive list so that the next time you get booted, you can pair it with the perfect game. It’s like a wine and cheese pairing for degenerates.
Amphetamines: Tetris 99 (Switch)
Image Credit: Nintendo
As my personal drug of choice, I felt I had to start off with the best game to play if you’re a member of the Addy gang like me. As any Adderall user will tell you when you first pop one, you feel like your gonna get a shitload done, but then you just end up hyper-focusing on some retarded activity for 5 hours. Tetris 99 is perfect for this. Grab your switch and start matching tetrinos against 98 other speed freaks. I love to goon out, just drooling and forgetting to blink while the Tetris pieces fly across the screen. Not to brag, but I’ve won a shit ton of Tetris matches, and it’s almost directly attributable to the power of the Addy. It’s basically the performance-enhancing drug of the gaming world. And let’s face it, you need to harness the power of the drug that made its bones letting World War 2 pilots fly for days on end if you want to have any hope of competing with the Koreans and Japanese players. They’re on a different fucking level, and the only way a round eye is gonna beat them is with some chemical help.
Weed: Spider-Man (PS5)
Some people will tell you they get a ton done on weed. Those people are called fucking liars. When I smoke weed, I vacillate between fits of laughter and crippling anxiety (let’s spend a few minutes examining every conversation I’ve had in the last six months to determine exactly how much everyone I know hates me, FUN!). Before you tell me to try a different strain, fuck off, they’re all the same. The perfect game to balance you out is Spider-Man. You can spend an hour just web-swinging around the city, and it’s a pretty fun time even if you get nothing done.
Mushrooms: Super Mario 3D All-Stars (Switch)
Image Credit: Nintendo
Mushrooms are fun and weird, and Mario is the perfect compliment. The colors, the easy gameplay, the lack of anything overtly frightening, it’s all ideal for a mid-trip digital excursion. You might not be able to play for long, and you probably won’t remember much of it, but it’ll be a fun little activity while you’re tripping balls.
Pain Pills: Forged in Fire (Hulu)
Image Credit: History Channel
Look, I know I said I would pair drugs with games, but it’s my article, and I can change things up if I damn well please. I had surgery a couple of years ago to take out my shitty gall bladder, and I got to spend a week in a Perc haze while Teddy watched over me and laughed at my misfortune. I spent that time nodding in and out while watching Forged in Fire, a show where autistic men and women make knives and other weapons. Honestly? Great fucking time. I’d definitely recommend getting your gall bladder ripped out to spend a week in a perky haze.
MDMA: FUCK OFF
Oh man, if your doing Molly alone, you’ve passed the degeneracy level acceptable for GEG, and that’s a low fucking bar. Seriously, you should only do Molly in a weird European dance club or with a girl you’re about to have really enjoyable but really bizarre sex with. People who do Molly alone are wastrels who need to be on a government watch list. If Molly was a thing when Jeffrey Dahmer was around, he’d probably really like to do it alone. Buffalo bill *definitely* did MDMA alone too. Don’t be like them; it’s a bad, bad look.
Coke: Candy Crush (Any Phone made after like 2006)
Image Credit: Steve Buissinne from Pixabay
Coke is a fun drug for people who just love to hear themselves yammer on and on like assholes. I should know, I’m one of those assholes. Chances are if you’re doing blow, you’re going to need something to do while you wait in sketchy locations for your turn to talk about your primo fucking restaurant idea, weird conspiracy theories about the CIA, or like, the dopest clothing line ever imagined. Candy crush will help pass the time, and the coke will help you power through levels like an absolute madman.
Alcohol: Guitar Hero, Beat Saber, or any Music Game
Image Credit: Guitarhero
Fuck man, white drunk people fucking LOVE guitar hero. It’s an integral part of white people’s culture. They don’t make guitar hero games anymore, but if you’re at a house party in the middle of Connecticut and somebody busts out an old copy of GH or Rock Band and you better believe the whites are gonna fucking go WILD. In a world where white people have lost so much; they can’t do blackface anymore, they can’t make racist jokes or call the cops on menacing looking black teens; they need Guitar Hero. Hey game developers: bring it back and throw the whites a bone.
Heroin: Uhhh
Fuck dude, you’re shooting H? I can’t really help you. I mean, I guess you can play grand theft auto or something? You’re probably gonna sell the tv and game system soon anyway. Godspeed, and I hope you don’t end up blowing creepy teachers like Leo had to in The Basketball Diaries.
Whippets: Tony Hawk Pro Skater remake
Image Credit: EpicGames
If your super into Whippets or huffing paint, I’m willing to bet you were super into skateboarding or BMXing in the late 2000s early 20teens. So huff away and relive the glory days with an excellent Tony Hawk remake that got released recently. Just watch out for the Night Man; I hear he’s after you.
Well, that’s it. It’s not an exhaustive list, but I hope the next time you get higher than giraffe pussy you remember your old friend Santiago and pair your drug of choice with the right game.
