Jeff Bezos is Stepping Down and I’m Uneasy

You’re probably wondering right now, “Why Teddy…Why should we care about Jeff Bezos stepping down as CEO of Amazon? This is a gaming blog. Make your ‘Yuck Yucks’ about games and fuck off.” Well, foul-mouthed reader, I’m here to tell you. Amazon has its hands in every god damn aspect of your and my life.

I buy everything on Amazon, and that is not hyperbole. Getting a package in two days after you purchase it is a Christmas high that you can get year-round. There is nothing better. I understand that this is a soulless corporation that decimates jobs and small businesses, but those small businesses can’t offer me free two-day shipping on my socks and computer parts while letting me stream Top Gear. So, they can fuck right off. To that point, I was kind of happy they killed off Borders anyway. That store always smelled like incense and wet dog hair; it needed to die off.

Apart from their e-commerce, they also dabble in cloud computing, streaming video and television, artificial intelligence, occult sacrifices, human trafficking, and a myriad of other ventures. They even stepped into the gaming world with the much-anticipated MMO, New World, and the horrible failure, Crucible.

New World MMO

Image Credit: Amazon

As a fervent MMO fan, I have been theoretically ‘chasing the dragon,’ of the feeling I got in 2000 with Everquest. I’ve hopped from every MMO possible, never to get that same high as I did with E.Q. World of Warcraft was close with Burning Crusade, but still, something was never the same.

I had high hopes when I heard that Amazon was stepping into the gaming realm and creating an MMO. With an unending bank account and some of the best developers in the industry, how could they fuck this up? Lord Jeffry Bezos himself wanted this team of veteran stalwarts to create “computationally ridiculous games.”  Well, fuck it up they have, and I fear without Bezos at the helm, this game is going to go tits up. I guess I’ll keep holding out for Pantheon: Rise of the Fallen, even though part of me knows it’s going to be a fucking dumpster fire after Brad McQuaid died.

Games aside, Bezos was always a strange figurehead. I know he must be a ruthless businessman, but god, he looks unimposing, frail, and goblin-like. Most of his time as the CEO of the company he built from the ground up, he was out of the public eye. It wasn’t until he was caught banging a melted plastic faced, home-wrecking side-piece that normal people found out what he looked like. Gollum. He looks like Gollum.

Photo by Dan Whetton from FreeImages

And somehow, with that Gollom head, he was able to lose half his wealth to his ex-wife and still be the second richest man in the world. That is the type of money where you can exterminate an entire population without any consequences. He could have multiple Epstine islands, and everyone would look the other way. We need him, and he knows that.

Another thought that popped into my head was, why would this man leave something he built from absolute nothing? I know everyone will say it’s because he was burnt out and needed a change, but I don’t fucking buy it. I’ve also heard another theory that someone may have some dirt on him and try to extort him. I don’t buy this either, because, as I stated earlier, he has the money where if anyone tried to extort him, I assume he would have them castrated and murdered by his sea of robots.

This leaves one option in my head. He’s making a move for world domination. This is why I’m uneasy. We could do nothing to stop the incoming invasion, and we can only hope to be some otherworldy sex slaves for his robot armada.

Well, here’s to the Lord Bezos future. We’re all going to get fucked.

At this point, I would like to step back and apologize for anything I say that may offend Mr. Bezos and assure him that everything I say is in jest. Please don’t have your army of murder drones snipe my family and me, or even worse, cancel my prime account.

Best Regards,
Theodore Goonington

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